I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
