You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
