god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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