wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
