Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
