Me too!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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