i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
