Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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