After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
