I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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