I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
