Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
