A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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