just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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