Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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