Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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