I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am one with the molecules
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
