Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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