My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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