Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
