There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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