Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
