SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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