Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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