have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
