Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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