seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
