You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
