True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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