I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
