how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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