I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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