you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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