"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
