i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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