I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
