3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
