You were right. It hurts to walk today.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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