Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
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Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?