sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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