I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
