I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
