If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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