For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
