You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The best revenge is premature balding
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
