I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
