I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
