did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize