i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
