my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
