I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
