She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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