So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
