DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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