I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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