when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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