seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
