Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i love accidental penises.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
